


wrote it in a letter

by flynnisfly



Category: Handsome Devil (2016)
Genre: Letters, M/M, as of now everyone aside from ned and conor themselves are just mentioned, but we'll see where this goes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-12 02:14:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20556530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flynnisfly/pseuds/flynnisfly
Summary: A compilation of letters Ned and Conor have given each other, with all the things that are too hard to say out loud.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> the title comes from house in the trees by andrew mcmahon in the wilderness. stream that song for rights.

Conor,

We’re on the bus home from the Final. You’re asleep in the seat next to me, and there’s a mess of emotions inside me, so I’m writing them into a letter. I don’t know if I’ll ever give it to you. I just want to put my feelings into words.

I’ve apologized ten times already, but I don’t think I’ll ever stop. You told me you forgive me, but you didn’t deserve what I did, so here it is again: I’m so sorry, and you deserve a real explanation.

I didn’t like that I’d lost you. The night of the fire, and the morning after, when I woke up to the flag acting as the second form of our own personal Berlin Wall, that was what really confirmed that our friendship was over, and it felt like someone ripped out my heart. I wanted you back in my life, but it wasn’t going to happen, and it felt like it was my fault, when all I’d done was try to be your friend.

Before you, I never had a single friend here. Barely had friends before that. And there you were, so ready to ignore everything everyone told you about me, to get to know me yourself, instead of listening to the rumours you heard from a guy who knew a guy who sat behind me in history class three years ago.

I  loved it. I loved having a friend. I loved having someone who let me say whatever was on my mind without judgement, someone who laughed at my jokes and was quick to joke right back, someone who cared about music as much as I did, someone who enjoyed spending time with me, even if that just meant doing separate things next to each other. I loved having you by my side. 

But I blinked, and you were gone.

I don’t even care that you left me to play the variety show by myself. I think it was therapeutic, honestly, forcing myself out there like that. I just missed you. I definitely don’t blame you; believe me, Weasel’s a little shit who knows how to get what he wants, and hanging out with me was a risk. I know that better than anyone. I’ve had to hang out with myself for sixteen years, and there’s nothing around here that can get you isolated faster. 

I felt alone, I guess. More alone than I’d ever felt before, because now I knew how it felt to  not be alone. I didn’t mind being alone before you. I think part of me thought I deserved it. I’ve always been a bit out there. It didn’t take long for me to discover that differences aren’t always seen as beautifully as my mum told me they were. My differences were thrown back atme, in the form of slurs in my face and satirical moaning in my ears. No one had ever looked beyond that, until you. 

So yeah, I missed you. I missed you like I’d never known was even possible.

If that guy hadn’t grabbed me by the collar, I would’ve been perfectly content with my silent protest. Those five words rang in my ears, and I snapped. It wasn’t something I’d ever even thought about sharing before I did it. It was the first thing that came to my mind. I was jealous. I was jealous that you were better at hiding than I was, which is honestly a bit ridiculous, considering that neither of us should have to hide. Either way, I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have taken away your agency because I’d lost my own. 

I’d completely understand if you never wanted to see me again. I think I’m expelled, anyway. You might not have to. Just know that if you’ll have me, I’d jump at the chance to go back to the way things were.

I wasn’t exactly sure where I’d go with it, but I’m giving you this letter. You deserve to know my full side. You deserve to know my thought process, as flawed as it was. You deserve to know that I care for you immensely, even if I don’t show it properly. Like I said, you’re my best friend.

Ned. ♡

(Don’t tell anyone I signed that with a heart)

* * *

Ned

It’s been a few days since the Final. I finally read your letter, and I’ve decided to write one of my own.

First off, my writing skills are nowhere near yours. Feel free to make fun of me for it if you’d like.

You wrote mine while I was asleep next to you, so I’m doing the same. Except you’re in bed across the room. Still counts. 

I’m so glad you didn’t get expelled.

Curly asked me if I wanted you here. I said yes. Yeah, you screwed up. You did a stupid thing. But you’re the most remorseful person I’ve ever met. (By the way, I NEED you to stop apologizing. I can’t take it). Of course I want you to stay. Especially after reading that. 

I only ever had one friend before you. I’d always had teammates, but none of them cared to know me beyond rugby. Until I met you. You stayed up with me until the middle of the night, laughing until I cried. You listened to what I had to say. Thank you for showing me what a real friend could be. 

I’m sorry I ditched you. I’m sorry I (quite literally) pushed you away. You didn’t deserve that at all. And honestly? I missed you too. I should’ve talked to you. I should’ve told you what was going on. I should’ve still been in the dorm with you when I could’ve been. You needed a friend, you found one in me, and I left you with no explanation. I’m sorry.

I never thanked you for coming to find me. I barely talked about the boat, but you knew exactly where I’d be. No one else had even the slightest idea. I was mad at you, but not as much as I was upset with myself. And the second you poked your head in, every angry feeling I had towards you dissipated. I forgave you immediately. It was myself that I had to be convinced to forgive. And you managed to do that too.

Have I ever told you what drew me to you so heavily? It was your courage. Your strength. Your ability to be so wholly yourself in a place where everything you were was shamed. I couldn’t do that. The dam was bound to break, and I don’t blame you at all. I don’t even blame you for going about it the way you did. To see me get praised for breathing while you got kicked down for trying your hardest… I can’t even begin to imagine what that must’ve felt like. You definitely don’t deserve to have gone through that. No one does, but especially you.

You’re too good for a place like this, Ned. You really are. You told me once that you’re basically unemployable, and I fully have to disagree. The way you write, you could be the most successful novelist of our generation. You’d be amazing as a teacher; imagine being someone’s Sherry. Or maybe you could open a record shop somewhere. You have potential. I hate how you refuse to acknowledge it.

This has just become an essay about how good you are, so I’m gonna be done. Have fun reading this whenever you find it.

Conor. ♡

(You can tell people about the heart if you want)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is significantly shorter than the last and the only thing i can think of to blame is my adhd. love that for me

Conor

I’m so grateful that you don’t hate me. If I were you, I’d hate me. But I want to move past that. If we dwell on it, I’m never going to forgive myself. I’m sure you’re ready to move on too. 

But first, thank you for helping to convince Curly to let me stay. I don’t even know what my dad was gonna do if it’d been permanent. I still haven’t talked to him about why I jumped out of the car. I don’t think he deserves to know. I don’t think he cares much either, to be quite honest. Just that I’m in school. 

Have I told you how much I love the concept of school? I obviously hate this school, but learning? I love it. My brain never shuts up. I’m sure you could tell. Learning every day helps me feel like I have purpose. And the closer you and I become, and the more classes we have with Sherry, the more I’m starting to like school itself. 

I’m just generally happier since this year started. It’s been rough, Conor, it absolutely has. But I’ve been having less overall bad days, and if I do have a bad day, I know I can tell someone about it. I hope you know that you can too. I’m always here for you. And I won’t share your secrets anymore. Promise. 

Another weird thing: it was only for one night, but it was so hard to sleep without you in the room. I think you’re a space heater, or the infirmary is significantly cooler than the dorms, because I was freezing. 

I’m writing in the middle of the night while you’re asleep, because I guess that’s our thing. I’ll fold this up and give it to you during lunch. If you read it before it gets too late, consider this an invitation to watch a movie with me after class. Your pick. I won’t argue. 

God, it’s 3:45 in the morning. I’m going to sleep. Goodnight, Conor. Talk to you in a few hours. 

Ned ♡

* * *

Ned

You’re asleep on my shoulder. I don’t blame you. You stayed up until nearly four, like an idiot. Pretty sure I should pick you up and put you to bed, but I’m afraid you’ll wake up. I’ll just let you sleep here for a while. You look pretty comfortable. 

I’m happier too. I used to be quieter than I am now, and I was angry at the world, and I never actually felt like I had a reason to be happy. I was so closed off. But you broke down my walls. Convincing Curly to let you stay was the least I could do. We’re good for each other. 

You’re good for me, at least. I’m not sure how helpful I am to you. I listen, I guess. You need someone to listen. I’m glad I can listen. I’ll tell you if I ever want to be the one talking. I trust you. 

All I can really think about right now is how good your hair smells. You must’ve showered earlier, because the shampoo is still really strong. And I should put you to bed. Part of me wants to put you in my bed and keep you close. I’m not sure what that’s about. I don’t think you’d mind, seeing as you apparently enjoy my warmth so much. 

The movie’s been over for half an hour, but I just want to keep sitting here with you next to me. I don’t want to wake you. I don’t want to let you go. 

Whatever. I guess I have to. Goodnight, Ned. 

Conor ♡

**Author's Note:**

> please give me attention over on twitter im @houseinthtrees or on tumblr @elliotlefevre or in the comments i need validation


End file.
